just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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