I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize