i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
