I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
