I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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