someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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