Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
