Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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