can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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