Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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