fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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