Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
