I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize