John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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