my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
