Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
