Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
