12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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