i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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