I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
