I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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