i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
