You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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