You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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