Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
