If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
