There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
