you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
