One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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