I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
