my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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