But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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