Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
