Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize