Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
