Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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