If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
