I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize