you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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