if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
