Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
