You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
