Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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