hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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