we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
