This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
