Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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