Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
