I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
