maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
