I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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