I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
