Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
