Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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