I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
