I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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