Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
