I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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