Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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