she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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