Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I wish there were birth control emojis
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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