Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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