so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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