My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
